the sinning

so there is a website that is getting a lot of buzz.  it's a site where people can go and confess their sins. when i first found out about it, it brought back the excitement of chatting with the godbot.  i'm a very nosey person so i thought reading everyone's sins would be a lot of fun.  it really was at first, but then after a few entries man this shit gets depressing!  i think the baby jesus was trying to teach me a lesson. you can check it out yourself, but i warned you.

http://ivescrewedup.com/

beans and chicken and collard greens and corn bread and corn bread

saturdee we went out for a special treat at magnolias. i had a deep fried avocado for starts followed up with chicken fried steak with collard greens and mashed potatoes (red and sweet), and some sweet tea. this is one of the only places in town where i have been able to get "real" sweet tea, not ice tea with sugar in it or something that started off as a powder. and they were out of sweet tea when i asked so they brewed some up fresh for me. for a minute i thought maybe i had died and gone to heaven. then i remembered, i'm a cunt.

keith lockhart keep y'r jacket on

there is one thing that really bugs me about the boston pops and that is the way they promote keith lockhart as hip and urban. but i'm not fooled, you hear me BSO?! i can see that behind the facade of a people's conductor is a band nerd that was never really comfortable around people who were too pretty or athletically gifted. i imagine that on the mornings before his scheduled photo shoots he stands before his bathroom mirror and gives himself an affirmation or two or five. they probably sound a lot like mine in my twenties when i was single and about to head out of the house.

i am pretty.
people like me.
i am not the nerd i used to be.
everyday in every way, i am getting better and better.

i don't think i've seen an image of keith lockhart that wasn't that same faux-casual you see in senior high school pictures, sears catalogs and those wedding albums, where the bride really wanted formal group shots, but wants to pretend they happened naturally. his jacket is always thrown jauntily over his shoulder. and if the shot needs a little something more, why not get rid of the jacket entirely and try leather pants instead.

maybe he could take a cue from our friend mickey mouse in fantasia? both are equally flamboyant, but mickey has that extra zing. that little something that says, motherf*ckers i could conduct the g.d. universe if i feel like it.

shots of our friendly, neighborhood conductor mr. lockhart courtesy of www.keithlockhart.com.

itchy itchy scratchy scratchy ooh i got one on my backy

last night while watching lost in my tv illuminated living room, i got the itches. i saw something on my arm in the dark, so of course i start picking at it. i thought it might be a bit of chocolate from the burnt cookies my husband made, but whatever it was, it wasn't budging. i pulled at the sucker then went into the brightly lit hallway to investigate. i screamed and dropped it. i was a live and wriggly tick! it landed on my shirt and i screamed again. i flicked it off and began disrobing on my way to the bathroom. i called for my husband to help me thoroughly search for any friends and family that might have also moved in. we found no more ticks, but i kept checking all night just to be sure. i still itch.

of all the time i spent in the tick infested johnson grass of rural texas and arkansas, i never would have guessed i would have got my first bloodsucker from a museum in massachusetts. although, i would like to blame that creepy big baby at the de cordova, it more likely came from one of the trees i couldn't resist climbing under or just maybe one of Ria Brodell's sodmonsters, but we'll never know.

am i a lesbian? OR how i got dildoed by a girl

for most of you this will be TMI, but if you are my friend then you are used to it. you have been warned.

i have been in pain for the last 6-8 months. a couple of months ago, i decided to stop ignoring it and talk to my doctor about it. she poked and proded then recommended a pelvic ultrasound. which brings us up to yesterday...

i was told to arrive for the ultrasound an hour early so that i could drink 1/2 my daily water intake in about 30 minutes time. apparently, if you aren't knocked up, you have to drink a lot of water so the sound waves will travel better or some junk. so anyhoo. 40 oz of water later, i go in to the exam room.

i lay on the table and lift my dress as instructed by the tech (radiologist or whatever she is officially called). she lubes up the wand and rubs it over my belly like you see on tv and takes the pictures. next she wipes me off and says "okay go empty your bladder so we can do the vaginal ultrasound." i gulp and thank god she just asked me to pee, because i prolly would have wet myself out of shock.

i come back into the room. she leaves so i can remove my panties. (oh the irony.) i get back up on the table and she comes back in. feet in the stirrups, dress back up she takes out "the wand" and rolls a condom down on the thing. the wand isn't friendly looking. they should really take a cue from the sex toy industry and put a smiley face or cute little bunny ears on the sucker. and it may lack girth but the thing is as long as my forearm and i was very afraid i would be hearing the words "take it all in" soon.

instead she says, "you're going to feel some pressure" as she shoves the thing up my fagina and starts taking pictures again. it felt very gay--even if she was 100% professional and kept her eyes off the prize, the fact is, call it what you want but the woman was dildoing me. all i kept thinking about was how doctors used to use vibrators to treat women with melancholy. future people are going to look back at us and laugh, "oh my god they were totally dildoing women to look at their ovaries!"

and just like a real date, they won't be calling me until next week.

doppelgangers

while in italy i saw a bunch of italian versions of people i knew. one of the doubles was of my good friend daxi and i decided this time i would take his picture because he was on the phone and wouldn't notice anyway. and if he did notice me i would just pretend to be taking a picture of the duomo or battistero.

here is my friend and his heavier italian double.



i think there is a resemblence, but i wonder what dax or other people would think. i bet that since i look a lot different in my own mind than in real life, then it is possible that other people look different in my mind too.

and p.s. friends, if you ever see my doppelganger then take her picture, so i can see too!

viva italia

i just returned from my birthiversary trip to italy. (in case you are wondering, a birthiversary is what happens when you get married on y'r birthday.) i sent a message to my jess'ca and she said that i needed to post it for my blog. she's my wifee so i do what she says. she knows everything. so here it is...private bits edited out and with minor grammatical changes.


most of our trip was spent in firenze (florence). we also did some time in pisa and sienna. instead of going to another country, it felt more like i went to another time. everyone looked the same-ish. everywhere, every person spoke english, so it didn't feel foreign. and unlike say, in costa rica, you really couldn't spot the locals from the americans--unless they were fat and you knew they were one of ours. occasionally, italians, most likely also tourists would come up and start conversations with us that we couldn't understand. apparently, they couldn't see a difference either. so basically it felt the same, the only difference being the architecture and art were all 500 years old and beautiful. beautiful. beautiful.

the medici, assholes that they may have been, really knew how to live. their palace (palazzo piti) and garden (boboli) was one of my favorite days of the trip.

the uffizi was also incredible. i can't believe i saw so many masterpieces in a number of minutes. it's like bam! bam! bam! all the ninja turtles right after another. wow that's beautiful! oh its a michelangelo. gee that's really nice; oh it's rafael. etc.

my mouth opened uncontrollably when i saw the real david. even from far away he is stunning. not stunning hot, just jaw-dropping awesome. it's like the difference between a large-format darkroom print and a picture on y'r camera phone. it's the details that set michelangelo's shit apart. i could see david's veins from like 100 feet away. and btw, isn't he supposed to be jewish?!

all that sad, the food was not what i expected. i love to eat. i love italian food even. but all the restaurants served the same shit. it's not like just having pasta everyday. it was the pasta dishes were all the same, meat dishes all the same and salads all the same. you want a sammich? it's ham, cheese and salami. those are the only options. just no variety. my favorite find was this turkish wrap joint that never had any customers except for us. that shit was delicous. the meat was rotisseried and spicy and it had a yummy sauce. good stuff. i did develop an addiction to gellati and have been having withdrawals. i'm hoping the pina colada i get later today will act as my methadone.

the weather was perfect and the trip was absolutely lovely. i'd do it again, but i have so many other places to see first, that might be many years from now.

ciao darlings!


here we are smooching in the giardino bardini with central firenze in the background.