in case you were wondering...

no. no, i do not have a problem maintaining an erection. i also do not think i need a larger penis. i do not know how the word could have gotten out that i am somehow unhappy with my penis, but i sure am getting a lot of email about improving it's size and function. so i just wanted to set the record straight. carry on.

meat? fuggitaboutit

this is a friendly reminder to my Catholics and other Lent observers. no matter how tasty that bacon looks this morning, don't do it. those sun chips in the afternoon, that's a no-no too. this is Lent people. abstain abstain abstain. and when your mind turns on you and says, what's wrong with a little meat. you shut it up with images of the Lord, not the one suffering on the cross, the little jew boy suffering at the dinner table because joseph never let them have tasty pork chops and applesauce or lobster ravioli.



here is what appears to be an image of the little lord jesus saying to one of his goyfriends, "i'll trade you these for some of that bacon."

theraflu, why are you ew?

my husband has been making me theraflu with honey at night and it really helps me to go to bed at 9, which is about 3 hours before my bedtime. 10 hours of sleep feels awesome. it's like every day is the weekend.

last night i finished off the last pack of liquid sleepytime goodness. and the thought of staying up all night tonight with my head full of shit did not appeal to me. so today at lunch i stopped by the walgreens across from the office. the one next to the cab stand, so i was really risking my life for this stuff. that's how good it is!

anyhoo. i see that now they have about 98 million types of theraflu and i decide i should go with the one that promises to get all this shit out my chest. i whip some up after lunch to take the chill off, because it is colder than a witch's tit outside, and to make my body stop aching like an 80 year old woman. it smells of orange and looks about the color of tang, my favorite childhood drink. i take a sip and nearly vomit. this is not how i imagined i would be getting the shit out my chest. why can't it just taste like the other theraflu? it tastes nothing like orange, the best way i could describe what i am tasting is. wait let me taste it again to be sure. yes, the best way to describe the flavor is burnt, rubber shoe soles. that is so wrong!

Attack of the Mooninites: or the Err Error

so yesterday i was a little flipped out. one of my usual T stops (sullivan sq) called in the bomb squad, blew some "electronic device" to smitherines and thoroughly fucked the commute for thousands of people. (but not mine because i happened to catch the 87 bus, instead of the 86 bus.)

as the day went on, more and more of these devices popped up around the city, i started getting a little nervous. is it a hoax, is it someone's practice run, is it just some fruit loop?
then just as i'm leaving work i hear the source is really just a promotion for my beloved aqua teen hunger force (number one in the hood, g.) and that they have been there for weeks. so then i worry how something that looks like a bomb can be in all these key locations for weeks and NOT be seen?!

now everyone is outraged that the source of all this panic was just some marketing campaign. we have all these politicians yelling and screaming for someones head. the word hoax was uttered about 108 million times.

then i see what all the fuss is about. this my friends, this, is not a bomb. it is also not a hoax because that would imply it was meant to look like a bomb. and if you look at this and the first thing that comes to mind is a bomb, then you really, really should seek counseling.