it's kosher for passover!

so i'm eating some tasty sushi for fish friday along with some creme cheese that tells me that it is "kosher for passover". so what makes me wonder is, is it ever NOT kosher? it's cheese! what could they be doing to it, for it to not be kosher? making it from camel milk? slicing in with a bloodied blade they just used to slaughter a cow? not that i ever keep kosher, i'm shiksa all the way, i'm just curious about what my cream cheese would have to do to be unfit? if you know tell me, because i'm very curious.

i was stabbed last night!

he says it was an accident, but i knew it was only a matter of time before that dirty whore stabbed me. he is brown people and you know how the brown people are always threating to cut you. plus, when someone gets killed or stabbed or shot it's always the husband--everyone who watches tv knows that.

lucky for me i have tough, ferretty skin, dull knives and super powers of invincibility. so instead of a gash, i have what looks like a teeny-tiny faerie hicky on my side. but you know, just in case, if i turn up dead next time, you know who did it. el indio estupido!

look at him. you can see him plotting evils against me.

sometimes you need to take a good hard look at y'rself

so, the other day i made an exciting discovery. one of my heroes, john kennedy (puppeteer, not president) has a show on activity tv, which is part of comcast's on-demand programming. i had to watch every episode--each containing some kind of fuzzy fabric, googley eyes, an 8 year old kid with better acting abilities than poor john, and in the end an awesome puppet. i wanted to tell everyone! then i realized, no one cares.

people over the age of 8 who like puppets are weird. or people who have ferrets, or people who wear fuzzy hats with bear ears, or people who play papier mache, or people who answer to mOnster, or people who put capital letters in the middle of words, weird.

i've always known that i was weird, but i have always seen myself as different from (i.e. better than) the other freaks you see in the world. you know, like the cowboy who plays guitar in his underpants, or the lady that takes her cat for walks in a stroller, or people who attend renaissance faires in period garb. but the enjoyment i got out of watching those little puppet shows made me realize something. i might just be that weird.

in case you were wondering...

no. no, i do not have a problem maintaining an erection. i also do not think i need a larger penis. i do not know how the word could have gotten out that i am somehow unhappy with my penis, but i sure am getting a lot of email about improving it's size and function. so i just wanted to set the record straight. carry on.

meat? fuggitaboutit

this is a friendly reminder to my Catholics and other Lent observers. no matter how tasty that bacon looks this morning, don't do it. those sun chips in the afternoon, that's a no-no too. this is Lent people. abstain abstain abstain. and when your mind turns on you and says, what's wrong with a little meat. you shut it up with images of the Lord, not the one suffering on the cross, the little jew boy suffering at the dinner table because joseph never let them have tasty pork chops and applesauce or lobster ravioli.



here is what appears to be an image of the little lord jesus saying to one of his goyfriends, "i'll trade you these for some of that bacon."

theraflu, why are you ew?

my husband has been making me theraflu with honey at night and it really helps me to go to bed at 9, which is about 3 hours before my bedtime. 10 hours of sleep feels awesome. it's like every day is the weekend.

last night i finished off the last pack of liquid sleepytime goodness. and the thought of staying up all night tonight with my head full of shit did not appeal to me. so today at lunch i stopped by the walgreens across from the office. the one next to the cab stand, so i was really risking my life for this stuff. that's how good it is!

anyhoo. i see that now they have about 98 million types of theraflu and i decide i should go with the one that promises to get all this shit out my chest. i whip some up after lunch to take the chill off, because it is colder than a witch's tit outside, and to make my body stop aching like an 80 year old woman. it smells of orange and looks about the color of tang, my favorite childhood drink. i take a sip and nearly vomit. this is not how i imagined i would be getting the shit out my chest. why can't it just taste like the other theraflu? it tastes nothing like orange, the best way i could describe what i am tasting is. wait let me taste it again to be sure. yes, the best way to describe the flavor is burnt, rubber shoe soles. that is so wrong!

Attack of the Mooninites: or the Err Error

so yesterday i was a little flipped out. one of my usual T stops (sullivan sq) called in the bomb squad, blew some "electronic device" to smitherines and thoroughly fucked the commute for thousands of people. (but not mine because i happened to catch the 87 bus, instead of the 86 bus.)

as the day went on, more and more of these devices popped up around the city, i started getting a little nervous. is it a hoax, is it someone's practice run, is it just some fruit loop?
then just as i'm leaving work i hear the source is really just a promotion for my beloved aqua teen hunger force (number one in the hood, g.) and that they have been there for weeks. so then i worry how something that looks like a bomb can be in all these key locations for weeks and NOT be seen?!

now everyone is outraged that the source of all this panic was just some marketing campaign. we have all these politicians yelling and screaming for someones head. the word hoax was uttered about 108 million times.

then i see what all the fuss is about. this my friends, this, is not a bomb. it is also not a hoax because that would imply it was meant to look like a bomb. and if you look at this and the first thing that comes to mind is a bomb, then you really, really should seek counseling.

sometimes a girl actually needs a trip to texas

i want some boots. not the sexy black to the knee boots, i have plenty of those. i want some boots with a good ol' boy name like justin or tony lama.

i went to 2 different "western" shops in boston, but they were nothing like the western shops of my youth. there wasn't any feed or baby chicks anywhere to be found. one had a couple of nancys behind the counter (they may know leather, but not boots). the other had a couple of hipsters (the people, not the waders). both only had a few boots for women, and they were the fancy inlaid boots like W wears. no thanks. that's like getting a luxury SUV. so i live in the city, but i still want some that i could actually kick shit in (for the times i walk across the common and the mounted cops leave piles on the former cow paths), or at least walk in the mud if i wanted. we do have mud. and one day one of those handsome cabbie horses might get loose and i'll be prepared.

my resolutions

these are my resolutions. i'm posting them here so i don't forget. i'm very forgetful.

get my drivers license again
volunteer more regularly
keep a journal
keep losing weight until i can fit into my favorite jeans
be better at setting up playdates with my friends
get rid of more stuff i don't need
get organized
stop being such a cunt all the time

my very own new year's rockin eve eve

for new year's eve eve we went to TTs to see 2 of my favorite bands in the world: the charms and muck and the mires. the show was poptacular! i was also excited because a week ago i got a regular old consumer digital camera for those times when i'm going to a pub or some junk and don't want to lug my d200. i love the camera and want to marry it as soon as gay marriage leads to us being allowed to marry whatever the fuck we want--like turtles, cameras and catchy pop-rock bands.

cookie parties

i went to a cookie party last weekend. what is a cookie party? a cookie party is where a group of chicks get together at one of said chick's apts, armed with their fav cookie recipe and bakes.
there were like 10 of us. i ate at least 20 cookies. prolly more. i was completely stuffed by the end of the night with cookie goodness and couldn't eat dinner. which was probably a good thing, since i'm sure i consumed enough calories in 3 hours to last 3 days.
the point of this blog is this: cookie parties are awesome you should totally have one. best...parties...ever.

Christmas Goat?

oh christmas goat, oh christmas goat
what does the baby jesus do while he waits to make his appearance in the manger, maybe he hangs out with the christmas goat?

The biggest Christmas Goat in the World

The strange history of the Gävle Goat began in 1966. A man named Stig Gavlén came up with the idea of making a giant version of the traditional Swedish Yule goat of straw and placing it on (Slottstorget) Castle Square in central Gävle. On 1 December the 13-metre tall, 7-metre long, 3 tonne goat stood on the square. At the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, the goat went up in smoke. The perpetrator was found and charged with vandalism.
In 1967 the goat was left unmolested.In 1968 the goat was again left unmolested.
In 1969 the goat was burned on New Year's Eve.In 1970 the first goat burned six hours after it was erected. Two heavily intoxicated youths were tied to the crime. With contributions from several donors, the goat was rebuilt, this time of reeds.
In 1971 the local merchants who had previously built the goat abandoned the project, tired of seeing it burn each year. The science association at the Vasaskolan upper secondary school took over. Their little goat was broken to pieces.
In 1972 the goat collapsed due to sabotage.In 1973 the goat's fate is unknown.
In 1974 the goat burned down.
In 1975 the goat's fate is unknown.
In 1976 a car crashed into the goat.In 1977 the goat's fate is unknown.
In 1978 the goat was broken to pieces again.
In 1979 the goat was burned before it was even put together. A new one was built and treated with fire-proofing, but was later sabotaged and broken to pieces.
In 1980 the goat burned down on Christmas Eve.
In 1981 the goat was spared.
In 1982 the goat burned down on St. Lucia Day, 13 December.
In 1983 the goat's legs were broken off.
In 1984 the goat burned down on St. Lucia Eve.
In 1985 the 12.5-metre high goat first made the Guinness Book of World Records. Burned down in January.
In 1986 the local merchants took over building the goat again. From this date on, two goats are built each year, one by the merchants and one by Vasaskolan. The big goat was burned down the night before Christmas Eve.
In 1987 the goat was carefully treated with fire-proofing. It still burned down the week before Christmas.
In 1988 the goat was spared. Its survival was now included on British betting lists.
In 1989 the goat burned down before it was even built. A public collection was taken up and a new goat was built, which burned down in January. In March 1990 another goat was built for the premiere of the film "Black Jack".
In 1990 the goat was spared. Many volunteers guarded it.
In 1991 the goat was accompanied by an advertising sleigh - which turned out to be an unauthorised construction. It burned on Christmas Eve morning. It was rebuilt to be sent to Stockholm in a campaign to stop the closing of the I 14 regiment.
In 1992 the goat burned after eight days. The Vasaskolan goat burned the same night. It was built again, but burned again on 20 December. The starter of all three fires was arrested.
In 1993 the Vasaskolan goat made the Guinness Book of World Records, measuring 16 metres high. It was spared this year.
In 1994 the goat was spared.
In 1995 the goat burned down on Christmas Day morning. It was rebuilt for the town's 550th anniversary.
In 1996 the goat survived. For the first time it was monitored by a web camera.
In 1997 the goat survived with minimal damage by fireworks.
In 1998 the goat burned on 11 December, despite a snowstorm. It was built again.
In 1999 the goat burned a few hours after being built. A new one was in place for St. Lucia Day.
In 2000 the goat burned a few days before New Year's. In 2001 the goat burned on 23 December. The starter of the fire, a 51-year-old man from USA, was arrested.
In 2002 the goat survived.
In 2003 the goat burned down two nights before St. Lucia Eve. A new goat was in place about a week later and it survived in one piece.
In 2004 the goat burned down on 21 December, three days before Christmas. The goat was not rebuilt.
In 2005 the goat burned down on 3 December. A new goat was in place on 8 december and managed to survived.

DECEMBER 22: Mark your calendars

everyone, listen. are you listening? it's time we put our political views aside and take a couple of steps toward the center and participate. it could really change the world.

http://www.globalorgasm.org/

The Event
WHO? All Men and Women, you and everyone you know.

WHERE? Everywhere in the world, but especially in countries with weapons of mass destruction. (yay that means US!)

WHEN? Winter Solstice Day - Friday, December 22nd, at the time of your choosing, in the place of your choosing and with as much privacy as you choose.

WHY? To effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy a Synchronized Global Orgasm. There are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti-submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, so the time to change Earth's energy is NOW!

the D

last night i went to see the tenacious d movie. it does not get the monster seal of approval. some parts were very very funny. but there just wasnt nearly enough of those moments. not even cock pushups could save this movie. perhaps if you were really baked or fried you would enjoy it, but i cant even guarantee that.

turn on the magic of shining lights!

here i am as a lite brite. who doesn't love a lite brite. you can't see it but i also had a lite-brite logo on the back of my costume. it was my most fav. costume so far. i liked it even more than being the holy family. will i go to hell for saying that?

i decided to go with a tropical fish design. IT REALLY LIGHTS UP! i had to do it by memory because i couldnt find the tropical fish online. only the clown and a turkey. and everyone knows clowns are scary.

oh and this is what a real lite brite looks like in case you forgot.

shake it dont break it took y'r mama 9 months to make it

so friday was little kelly's bday celebration. to honor the occasion we headed over to the roxy to get some balls in our face.

i was totally flashing back to the 80s. first, with my little outfit with a jeans skirt and bangles exactly like the ones i used to have back in the day (was it a wednesday?). i know you know because you know you had one too--unless you weren't born yet. or 5. but anyway, so the show starts up and with all the choreographed dance moves, lip syncing and pelvic thrusting it took me a minute to realize it really wasnt 1989 and i wasn't at a new kids concert. though equally as cheesy and with about the same portion of young gay men (see for yourself here, maybe not at work.) but after 4 or 5 drinks the show seemed like, totally radical.

after the chippendales did their business and we all smelled of baby oil, the club converted back to a regular old nightclub and we no longer had to give the strippers dollars when they danced with us. but we also had to dance with other boys, who really should have been giving us dollars (or at least buying us drinks) but werent. i ended up going home early (around midnight) when on my final piddle break i noticed that the bathroom was moving on its own. the rest of the night i spent getting intimate with the porcelain prince, but it was worth it.

the boogie man is after me!

last night i had all kinds of bad dreams. first, was one where long worms kept crawling into my skin and my husband wouldn't take me to the hospital. i was v. worried that one of the worms was going to dig holes in my heart and kill me. i could feel the worms wriggling inside my body and it was v. painful and disturbing. (btw-the cardiologist called to remind me of an appt on monday that i had forgot about! scary!)

the next dream was just weird and i was at some gothy chick's house back in the olden, olden days, when people actually had candelabrums (sp?) and shit. the house just gave me the creeps. and i was afraid to walk around inside because i was sure there were ghosts.
and another dream i had was about being held hostage and shot at. i dont have those much anymore, but i guess it's not surprising.

so basically i kept waking up during the night drenched in sweat. i also woke up yesterday covered in sweat, but i didn't remember having bad dreams so i dunno what was going on.
if anyone wants to analyse my dreams for me, go for it.

attention rakes and hoes

i was home sick the other day watching vh1. (i know what y're thinking but, i slept through PIR. yeah, i know, PIR and sick days are like *this*.) anyhoo, back to the story, so i was watching best week ever and they bleeped the word "hoe". how are you gonna bleep hoe? i was totally shocked! especially because in the next sentence the guy said whore and that wasn't bleeped. how did hoe get to be worse than whore? and even bitch, because they don't even bleep bitch anymore. hoe? seriously. hoe?

jagshemash!

i went to see the borat movie last night! it was well worth the 2 1/2 hours i waited at the movie theatre to be one of the lucky 145 to get in. my sides ached, my tear ducts ran dry, and i may have peed a little in my favorite panties. it was the best comedy i have seen in a long ass time. is so nice!

boy, i'll tell you what!

i'm back from arkansas. we did some rodeo and some cave peeping. i call it cave peeping because it didn't envolve any fancy repelling or anything--we are talking handicapped accessible cavern--we just walked around inside looking at all the purdy colored formations, like these in the soda straw room.

the rodeo was fun to watch. my little cousin (he is my cousin's son, whatever that makes him to me. i've been told second cousin by some and first cousin once removed by others.) like i was saying, my little cousin did some calf riding and some goat tying. i hoped they would get to bring the goat home and eat it, but apparently not. oh well.

we shoved our faces with tasty southern food and my favorite chocolate cookies. and that about sums it all up. it's arkansas for pete's sake. you can't ask for much.
now i have to get caught up on all the work i missed, but i'll try to myspace tonight if i don't fall asleep in my dinner plate.