my life, paralleled by pauline the chicken

because i think i'd be thrown out of my bookclub for recommending a picture book, i have to tell everyone about it here--everyone meaning the 3 people that may read my blog and the millions of people living in my imagination.

i'm just going to skip the why of why i was reading books in the children's section of barnes & nobel, because that would take too long to explain. but i was. that is how i came across the book, My Life as a Chicken.

it tells the story of pauline poulet, who escapes from the routine life of a layer with a shitty boss who is just out to get fat, overcomes swoopy hoots and foxes and pirate cats to find a happy place where she can belong (and not be eaten).

i totally relate! and i hope that one day i too will find myself living happily ever after in a small petting zoo.

i've decided i'm going to stay teen! so what if i'm in my 30s! i'm totally teen! like fur sure!

here are the tips for avoiding pregnancy from stay teen dot com with my commentary. because you know i always have to say something.

Thinking "it won't happen to me" is stupid; if you don't protect yourself, it probably will. Sex is serious. Make a plan.

yes, be careful! sex can happen to anyone! even people who aren't serious!

Just because you think "everyone is doing it," doesn't mean they are. Some are, some aren't — and some are lying.

true! i'm totally NOT doing it. and i'm not lying.

There are a lot of good reasons to say "no, not yet." Protecting your feelings is one of them.

not true. protecting your feelings is a lame reason. a good reason would be, a) you don't want to get knocked up. 2) he don't take care of his other baby. c) he's irish.

You're in charge of your own life - don't let anyone pressure you into having sex.

yeah y're not the boss of me. i don't care if the bible tells me i'm only supposed to stop having sex with my husband to pray. i have more shit to do than just pray. i'm sorry.

You can always say "no" — even if you've said "yes" before.

of course i can. i'm a girl. that's what we do.

Carrying a condom is just being smart — it doesn't mean you're pushy or easy.

or how about you just keep them next to y'r bed. because good luck finding y'r purse when you need it.


If you think birth control "ruins the mood," consider what a pregnancy test will do to it.

birth control doesn't ruin the mood. unless it makes you throw up. then yeah, it's a total mood killer!


If you're drunk or high, you can't make good decisions about sex. Don't do something you might not remember or might really regret.

yeah, don't do it if y'r drunk. he's just gonna have whiskey dick.


Sex won't make him yours, and a baby won't make him stay.

a baby won't make me stay either.

Not ready to be someone's father? It's simple: Use protection every time or don't have sex.

wow. that really made me think. i didn't know it was possible for me to be someone's father. dang yo!